I don’t think the pain of losing a loved one will ever go away. Last night I had a visitation dream from my cousin Kara who passed away almost five years ago. I can’t believe that much time has gone by already. At that moment of time, I was barely living my dreams yet… I was still figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be at 27. I had a career as a Graphic Designer, but it was not my true passion. Years ago, I used to talk to her about all the things I dreamt of doing. And the last 4 years, I did them. Though a part of me still very much so wishes that she is still here.

Just a quick note: I found a website that explains the 8 signs of a Visitation Dream that I found very enlightening. I borrowed some of the characteristics but you can go onto this site and look at more examples. Here are some that resonate with me:

  • Characteristic #3:  Because they are so real and so vivid, you will remember visitation dreams very clearly for days, months, years . . . probably for your entire lifetime!
  • Characteristic #6:  When they do communicate (either verbally or non-verbally), it isn’t because they want to engage in idle “chit-chat.”  It isn’t easy for deceased loves ones to enter a dream.  They come with a purpose, and they will convey the message and then be gone.
  • Characteristic #7:  Most often, their messages fall into the category of “reassurance.”  They come to let you know that they are fine and that they want you to be happy.  Occasionally, they will come with a warning; however, when giving a warning, they will give you loving support and you will feel reassured by their presence.
  • Characteristic #8:  After a visitation dream, when you wake up, you will often be filled with a sense of peace and love.

Lately I have been unbelievably busy illustrating a children’s book with a writer, finishing my thesis book (so embarrassed that I am still working on it a semester after I finished grad school), and applying to different job listings has been very exhausting. And taking weekly workshops to keep drawing and staying motivated by surrounding myself with other artists. I live a pretty responsible life, like I’m going on 40 which I’m hardly close to just yet! So you can imagine how much little time I have for any sort of “fun”. I do have a tendency to over think meeting new people, going out on dates, and going out and doing things that I have not tried before. I am open, yet I forget that I do need to live a little and have more fun. If my cousin Kara were still here, she would force me to go out and enjoy myself! She is the ultimate fun police. A good friend of mine just the other week was like, go live your life! Stop moping! Not that I’m moping, I live in my head.

Let me just say that my cousin Kara visits me in my dreams every few months, I think the last time has been a while and I know she came to visit because lets face it– I need to be reminded to have fun!

In my dream she was sitting down with a fancy white laptop typing away and working. And I say Hey! Like its so normal and that nothing ever changed. And I was like, “its been so long since we last saw each other. What have you been up to? We need to catch up!” Then she glances up and says, “we’ll have many opportunities to catch up. Oh you know I’m eating healthy now, on a good diet, I got a dog! And we go out for long walks in the morning and its very relaxing. I live a very peaceful life. Busy, but happy.” And then somehow I leave her and let her go to bed because its night time. And then the next day she invited me to attend a friend’s get together at a very tall and narrow house, reminding me of the houses in San Francisco. It was like how it used it be when she was still alive– how we’ve gone out and done things together. Then in the dream she introduces me to her friends and its a very mellow and relaxed environment with food and drinks.

Then I wake up. And I was happy– then I started to cry lots! And I cried all morning and couldn’t get any work done. Because I realized how much I missed her. I really thought she would be in my life until we grew old and that we would sit outside drinking Cosmos and Margaritas, chit chatting about boys, silly stuff…playing rock band on the xbox, making spinach dip, going out dancing at the gay clubs in Hillcrest San Diego because we would be guaranteed awkward straight men wouldn’t grind on us when we danced! We would sit for hours in her room every Sunday and watch Friends or Katt Williams on netflix. Or I would come over and do her eye makeup before she went out somewhere special with her friends. When I felt so bummed out she would always tell me to forget about it and go out dancing. She literally forced me to come out during the week to bars and clubs. We really did  have some great times.

It was a moment in time that came and passed. But moments I will cherish for many years to come. The pain of losing someone never leaves, but you do go on… you live. You learn to live with it and come to peace about it.

2008. Me on the left, my cousin Kara on the right.2430707869_7a14b5aac6
2008. Goofing around inside a party bus with our friends.
With our other cousins at an art show, 2008.

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